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Health & Fitness

5 Second Rule

The real reason tobacco was not banned from Lakewood parks.

The probability that a peanut butter and jelly sandwich will fall face down when it is dropped is:  

(a) proportional to the cost of the carpet;  

(b) inapplicable if the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is made correctly (i.e. peanut butter and jelly go on the INSIDE of the sandwich.  Watch this video for proper culinary procedure);  

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(c) immaterial if the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is strapped – jelly side up (ignore the video) - to the back of a cat which, it is well known, when dropped always lands on its feet.  But, and this is important, a cat - to which is affixed a jelly-side-up sandwich, which sandwich alone would normally land jelly side down (again depending on the value of the floor covering) – will, if enough jelly is spread, not after all approach claws-down the very, very expensive carpet given the agglomeration of cat and sandwich cancel out normal landing-craft expectations leaving cat, jelly and peanut butter to spin indefinitely in midair;   

(d) inconsequential if complying with the five second rule. 

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Fox, CBS, the Los Angeles Times and other major media outlets were spreading the news this past weekend that peanut butter and jelly, and any other food items affected by gravity before they can be gobbled, are still edible without undue fear of bacteria- transfer if – and the passage of seconds does indeed matter – five seconds or less transpire.

So perspire no more.   

The five second rule isn’t a myth after all. 

Beyond that however and you’re looking at staphylococcus aureus, cellulitis folliculitis and some of their other friends attacking out of nowhere that contemplated morsel.   

Strangely enough – that Persian rug over which your Persian cat is spinning?  Scientists’ research shows you’ve got an additional grace period - when the floor covering is carpet – to retrieve whatever it was, say grace, and gormandize. 

So what do “toast, pasta, biscuits and sticky, sweet foods dropped on carpet, laminate and tiled surfaces” in your home, have to do with “tobacco whether chewed, smoked, absorbed, dissolved, inhaled, snorted, sniffed, or ingested”  by a person using whatever gadget – “electronic cigarettes, cigars, pipes, or hookahs”?  They can all be packed, later to be puffed - along with that rescued peanut butter and jelly sandwich - in your picnic basket and you’ll be pleased to ponder they’re all acceptable in Lakewood parks

All parks. 

All smokes. 

Of course in addition to the rather obvious gastro-intestinal, lung and liver disorders that should occur if you’re slow on the draw - whether retrieving food or inhaling smoke – there’s also House Bill 2795 that would invest more, as people ingest more, in education now that an enlightened people have all 12 Lakewood Parks to light up. 

So, the non-ban of tobacco in Lakewood Parks?   

Hey, it’s for the kids – their health, education and welfare. 

Well, maybe their education but clearly not their health and welfare.    

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